Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may not be Einstein, but dumb + dumb = you

   ~• << Picture of me when I was younger.

   666: Some see it as evil, I see it as 3 six-packs!

   If you pay peanuts you get monkeys

   forecast for tonight? Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.

   "Knock, knock," "Who's there?" "To.""To who?" "To whom."

   just ate 4 fiber bars today, been on the toilet for the past hour :/

   When Hermione's true love left her, she continued on to help Harry defeat the most powerful wizard of all time. When Bella's true love left her, she curled up in the fetal position for four months, cried, and jumped off a cliff..

   "Knock knock." "Who's there?""Dave." "Dave who?" Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

   I find it rude and inconsiderate that my grandchildren haven't time- traveled to come and visit me.

   How can you stand under me, if you don't understand me?

   Fastest way to get through a crowd: Walk fast, look worried, and yell"Timmy? TIMMY?! WHERE ARE YOU TIMMY?!".

   There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo." The other cow replies,'Shut the f*ck up you uneducated twat'',

   Jamaican GPS' would be soo great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.

   Do you think Ken ever got mad because Barbie's knees don't bend?

   Those girls, fake hair color, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man

   Dad: Do you drink...? Son: Are you asking me? OR...are you offering me?

   Forecast for the weekend - On Friday, mild alcoholism with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement close to midnight on Saturday. Increasing chance of big regret and big hangover for Sunday.

   I slept with an acrobat once. She was lousy in bed. It was like Cirque de So-So lay.