Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love the instant bowel cleansing I receive after eating McDonald's food!

   If you are what you eat, then are cannibals the only true humas??? O_O

   Remember that new kid who always used to wear a skull cap and asked you to go to the prom with him and you rejected him?..Yeah,He had cancer and he died the very same night you were dancing with the school bully..Let that marinate in your mind for awhile

   I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks....... To.the alligators

   So I told my friend there is a new app for iphone where you can measure a pools temperature by putting the phone in the water.... Droid users 1 Apple 0

   I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion

   Sometimes at work I like to run around with a screwdriver yelling "ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!

   remember guys...try to keep her as a love bird...dont do anything to make her an angry bird

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. Which is awesome, because I was just starting to think that there aren't NEARLY enough Kardashians

   Single as a dollar and I'm not looking for change

   I'll admit it, the ring girls are one of the main reasons I watch boxing.

   “Are you asleep?” “No! I was in a comma, thanks for saving me."

   In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. Yeah that'll teach 'em to not mess with you.

   has a mind like a drill bit! It is twisted, and very dangerous if used improperly

   It is amazing how much effort I put into my laziness.

   Tattoo my name on your body so that I know you are dumb.

   Sitting on Santas lap and realising you're not the only excited one.

   That baby dinosaur noise you make when you stretch.

   even google translate doesn't translate what women say

   I am in no way, shape or form mature enough to read the headline, "Prince William Saves Seamen."