Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fact that you don't find me amazing doesn't bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.

   Halloween = candy. Thanksgiving = food. Christmas = gifts. New years = drinks. Valentines day = sex. Birthday = all of the above.

   Idk what it is about this morning but I'm feeling really homy... Did you read that wrong too?

   Knowing when to shut the hell up is a gift very few people are born with.

   Barney Frank is retiring from Congress to coach football at Penn State....

   I hate when people on YouTube say, "if your watching this in 2011". I'm always like oh no, I'm watching it 1500 BC on my IStone.

   Dear Chubby kids chasing me,this is my way of helping cure Obesity...Sincerly,the Ice Cream Truck Driver.

   FACT: If Osama Bin Laden hid where I hide my porn, he would still be alive today.

   If you're a female, I can understand if you don't watch football, if you're a man, you have an obligation to your why chromosome.

   The haunting fragrance of her mysterious perfume lingered long after the blinding sting of her pepper spray had faded.

   My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum; it's either her or the Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last st@tus update, in which I talk about having a girlfriend.

   Happy Cyber Monday!! A/S/L?

   The cleanliness of my house directly depends on my chances of getting laid that day.

   I wonder if Stevie Wonder knows he's black?

   I went shopping today for belts, and I used them right away on all the screaming kids at the store.

   There are some 35–45 year old men who think Cyber Monday means something else...

   You gotta hand it to midgets...because they sure as siht can't reach it...

   one girl scout cookie away from type two diabetes

   I could tell you to go f yourself but I am afraid you will ask for directions.

   My upstairs neighbour made a ground breaking discovery last night. He can't fly.