Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It doesn't matter how old you are, if a balloon is about to hit the floor, you dive for that s**t!

   I hate it when Facebook doesn't trust me while sending friend request.

   Teenage girls: stop making the duck face in all your photos. I don't know who told you it was attractive cause it isn't. You look quite stupid and immature, not to mention ugly. Mostly stupid. Real stupid.

   I wonder if I'll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there's one."

   Today in Germany millions of turkeys are giving thanks for being German turkeys

   Today I'm thankful for Call of Duty, saving young girls virginity and ruining marriages since 2003.

   When the police car has its lights and sirens on it means the cop wants to race, right?

   Note to self: Try not to run out of TP the day after thankgiving....Now I'm gonna need a 40 ounce beer and a few "disco biscuits" to deal with all these "Black Friday" freaks!

   why dont gas stations have black friday specials

   Congratulations to Amy Winehouse... on 4 months of sobriety.

   I've never liked race related jokes, probably because I wasn't much of a runner

   Ladies: Today marks the start of Occupy My Bed Week.

   I am buying a 2013 diary this year because I am an optimistic SOB.

   WebMD is so terrifying I just go directly to a casket website now.

   Autocorrect thinks idea sells furniture.

   I didn't eat enough to feel guilty but too much to feel virtuous. I did it wrong, didn't I?

   If Black Friday involved gunplay, I would have been up hours ago. And turned one on myself.

   Native American ghosts spend Thanksgiving Day at backyard football games, tearing 40 y.o. white dudes achilles tendons.

   It's like Uncle Pete always said, it's never too early to dip your balls in the gravy. (Uncle Pete's in prison now.)

   that a drumstick in my pocket or am I just glad to see you it's a drumstick I have an eating problem oh God there's gravy in there too.