Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Very little happens at 3 o'clock in the morning, but when it does, it's usually very memorable.

   A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.

   My "safe place" is filled with unstable chemicals and psychedelic teddy bears with knives for claws, so I guess it's kind of a misnomer.

   People need to stop trending #LMFAO. I've seen obesity statistics, you're not laughing anything off.

   Turns out "LEGO" is Danish for, "Ouch! That hurt my foot!"

   When it rains in LA it's the tears of all the unemployed party clowns.

   The most awkward place to run into a homeless person is on your way to a Coinstar.

   "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.

   If I could go back in time I would be playing recieve with your mom!

   pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"

   Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

   Cure for the economy: Send welfare checks in an envelope that can be used as a condom.

   Disclaimer: By reading this status, you consent to hold no responsibilty to the owner of this wall any embarrassment from Laughing Out Loud inappropriately, injuries sustained from internal laughter, or any @$$es that may have been laughed off. 

   at lunch and saw a Mexican guy with a mullet. Negocio in the front, fiesta in the back.

   Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

   To climb a ladder you must start at the bottom. Get a few sluts under your belt, then go after the respectable women.

   Women complain that they can't find good men. They do find them but then they just put them in the friend zone and never give them a chance.