Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I had a time machine I would go back in time 20 minutes & unsmell my cousin Daryl's finger.

   I appreciate a really well thought out poor excuse.

   Can you die from constipation? I'm a little worried with how full of sh!t some people are.

   Made eye contact with a cop on the platform as the train took off. I gave him the finger on principal.

   This cold, bleak, dreary, wet, grey weather has given me Seasonal Adjective Disorder.

   Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.

   I am no Miss Williams but I know how to handle balls.

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby

   Hi. I'm a c**k blocker. Why? 'Cause my friends are all hot and I'm a tub of lard with tattoos everywhere and all kinds of metal s**t in my face.

   Happy National Unfriend Day:)

   According to chain messages, I should've died 18 times, been raped twice, been cut 10 times.

   I tried to make it rain but now there is coffee everywhere and one of my coworkers is on the way to the hospital.

   You're my girl to the fullest. If you're shootin' up the place, I'm bringing the bullets.

   I think if some people were to actually post something positive on Facebook they would spontaneously combust. Frickin Emos!!

   All TVs should come with a brick to throw at it when the Wendy Williams show comes on

   As cold as it is outside, today might be a good day to double-up on my underwear.

   Hell hath no fury like a Poptart that hasn't had time to properly cool off.

   Yeah, I'm F.I.N.E., (F)alling apart, (I)nsecure, (N)eeding help, (E)verything's wrong.

   Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”

   I wish you could pick a brand of car, and every few years you'd get an upgrade. Like with phones.