Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   What so sad is when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Too sexy that if you go out with just one person, everybody will get jealous & depressed therefore killing themselves.

   I will do anything humanly possible to reach the remote without getting up..

   "I just saw you on tv" "OH MY GOD what channel?" "Animal planet"

   Someone told me a while back. Your not in a relationship unless its official on Facebook. I just wanted to slap em right there.

   Today, I learned if you dream you're having a piss, you most likely are having a piss.

   Dear Face Book you keep offering up people for me to friend, but then you get all  concerned and ask me how I know them.  You can't be the pimp and the cop!

   It's annoying when people take an unattractive quality they have and try to make it sound cute. "Umm I'm kind of a control freak. Like, I just REALLY like things my way. Ahaha(((:" B!tch shut up.

   Friends are like bananas. If you peel back their skin, and eat them, they wil die.

   Sometimes, when you're having a sh!tty day and you're really stressed out, all it takes is something small, like stubbing your toe, having your printer malfunction, or losing your scissors, to make you break down in tears and lose all hope.

   Accidentally mixed my I can't believe it's not butter with my real butter. Now I don't know what to believe..

   When the salesman told me my new 4G smart phone was SUPER fast I didn't know me meant the battery.

   My first childhood memory was of a hummingbird dive bombing my stroller to steal the apple juice out of my sippy cup .

   Tomorrow is the 1 day that dyslexics will b able to get a date right. :-B

   Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

   Its stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back..

   Dear anyone who can finish an eraser, chapstick, and a pencil, without losing it: You're my idol!

   I remember when I was a kid I went on the computer just to use paint. :)

   I don't have a drinking problem. I have a stopping problem.