Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cold out that I saw two gangsters with their pants UP

   As an ex-construction worker, when I see a "lost" cone on the roadway a little piece of me dies inside.

   Admit it, Once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed

   That Moment of Fame when your name is in a math problem.

   It's so hot here, gangsters are doing drive bys with squirt guns.

   ''You ask!'' ''No, you ask!'' ''Pls just ask?'' ''why cant you do it?'' ''Fine.. excuse me, can we have some ketchup?''

   Ladies: Trust me, nice guys are all around you, it's just that the a$$holes are blockin your view.

   I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

   You know the NCAA won't punish the Penn St. football program unless Sandusky gave his victim's dad a free car.

   Dear idiot: If I give you a nice big straw, will you leave me alone and go suck the fun out of someone else's day? Sincerely, Annoyed.

   Shoot for the moon.Even if you miss,you'll land among the stars...Or you will be sucked into a black-hole and never heard from again.

   Ladies: Don't ever cry when it's over, be grateful that you dodged that bullet and laugh at what the next b!tch has to put up with.

   not addicted to cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.

   Can we get some National Guardsmen from the Kent State area to Penn State ASAP?

   Happy 236th Birthday to my fellow Marines .. Semper Fi .

   my 2 yr old nephew said he wants to see poosy and booobs,.. I said huh? oooohh puss and boots!

   jacob to bella, 'what does he have that I dont have', bella says 'shiny disco balls'

   Wake & Bake People!!! Who wants a chocolate chip muffin?!?

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue. If he said he's busy tonight, the side chick is you.

   50,000 battered women....and i'm still eating mine plain