Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry that you're 40.. you're just 1 in “cougar-years.”

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Twinkle twinkle is stupid sh!t, so can you please stop posting it

   For those of you who were wondering why I have a belly, well I'm not fat, I'm just Full with love =)

   Bless me father for I have sinned, my last confession was over 3 years- oh damn the roof is caving in HELLLPPPPP!"

   I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

   Hot cashier: "Would you like cash back?" Me: "Id rather have your phone number." Yep it worked.

   You might have moves like Jagger....Me, at my age, have moves like jello!!

   It's silly when people say that you shouldn't like them "because they might hurt you." Everyone is going to hurt you. Some people are just worth the risk.

   It makes you worried for the future when you see all the insecure girls on Facebook posting their pictures as their statu$ and begging for likes.

   Pac-Man teaches us a valuable lesson Eat everything you can, and if anyone tries to stop you, eat them.

   Im going to make a Photo Album of Then and Now photos of my high school class mates and tag everybody

   Learn something new everyday. Today I learned that leaving the lights on in your car overnight is not good for morning starts.

   My manners disappear the more I have to repeat something. "Can you pass me the pen? The pen, can you pass it? Hello? GIVE ME THE F**KING PEN!!!"

   Nothing says "I'm a fat b@stard" like wearing a T-shirt in a swimming pool.....

   There's a serial killer in the house! NORMAL PEOPLE: "Call the police, let's get out of here!" IN MOVIES: "Let's go find him!"

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ I'm in love with my computer. It's getting pretty serious

   That extremely "WTF" moment when finally you found the right moment to broke up with your boyfriend and... He ask you to marry him...

   So I just bought a retired drug sniffing dog. I think it was a good investment cause he already found 3 bags of weed I misplaced!! Hell yea!!

   wonders why the trojan condom was named after something that broke through a wall & let thousands of unwanted ppl in?...terrible product naming