Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If and when you decide to speak super nonsensical philosophy, Make sure you get the grammar right.

   Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."

   it weird after having a McRib I'm craving watermelon and Red Kool-Aid!?!

   I would enjoy my trip to the dentist's more if I could figure out why it is necessary to remove my pants for a checkup.

   What's this I hear about some 19 year old girl getting Justin Bieber pregnant?

   A good drinking game; watch Wheel of Fortune and do a shot for every time they applause.

   Candy companies need to learn that making a candy bar and eighth of its original size does not make it "fun sized," it just makes more wrappers to throw away.

   Be a lady's man, not a ladies man.

   We ignore those who need us and need those who ignore us....

   How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there! I've killed, like, 15 zombies already! How come they are all holding candy?

   There's a new unit of measure which measures 72 days - a Kardash.

   I bet if you put bacon bits on a bacon strip, you could travel back in time

   The show "19 Kids and Counting" could easily be renamed "People Hoarders".

   Alex, I'll take WTF for a $1000

   If there's one thing that I've learned it's, that I should have learned way more than one thing.

   Thought I'd check in make sure you're all still remembering the Titans.

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   I only got a toilet seat cushion so my face would be comfortable after an intense night of drinking

   Leftover Chinese food makes a damn fine breakfast.

   Some president once said "It's the economy stupid"...But I say "It's the government Dumb@$$"