Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   climbed a tree yesterday and fell... I've finally matured!

   The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

   You cant trust someone just because you want to ,either you do or you don't

   You can really see a person's driving skills, on the way they handle the shopping cart

   ↖↖↖↖↖↖↖↑↗↗↗ ↗↗ ↗ ←← my friends are awesome →→ ↙↙↙↙↙↙↙↓↘↘↘ ↘ ↘ ↘

   Somewhere out there, someone is lying in the wet spot right now.

   It'd be really weird if animals were like pokemon in that they said their names instead of making sounds. So instead of going "Meow" a cat would walk around going "CAAAAAAT CAAAAAT! CATCATCATCAT!"

   It's awkward when a sentence doesn't end the way you octopus.

   It sucks when you walk into a room, and you can't remember what you went in there for, so then you leave, then a few minutes later you remember that you're a fireman, and a bunch of people just died.

   according to statistics you waste 5 years of your life looking at facebook!!

   encourages everyone this year to give pencils and coupons to Trick-or-Treaters who show up without a costume

   one day I'll sit down with my grandchildren and dust off an old favorite movie I used to watch as a kid. as we watch" fast and furious" together, the kids laugh at those silly lookin cars.

   google. type the words "why does my poop" and let google magic fill in the laughs with the suggested questions

   Headline: Aussie coast fears rogue shark may have killed 3 people. - Rogue shark? Ok, who's house are you swimming in? That's his domain. Perhaps more accurately the head line should be, Rogue swimmers caught by shark and eaten.

   To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

   Everyone "shares" on occasion, but the self proclaimed Great one should be arrested for grand theft.

   Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

   If I ever delete you, , try to understand that you're one in a million. (Because I like 99.5% of people.)

   Tonight I'm gonna party like it's Dec 21th, 2012

   If you keep walking backwards, you will eventually fall over the hurdles you have already crossed in your life.