Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you had asked me a year ago, “what do think is more important, the Cheese or the Cracker?” I would have said “Cheese”, all day…But now, I've come to the realization, that the cracker plays an equally pivotal roll for this prominent combinat

   It's sad that we don't truly appreciate a person until they die.

   It would be weird if you walked into your living room and chris hansen told you to take a seat.

   I failed my Health and Safety class test today. Apparently, when they ask you,"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "F**kin' large ones" is not the correct answer.

   If gay people are fruity, then straight people are veggies and bisexuals are tomatoes.

   Sex without love is merely healthy exercise.

   I'm damaged but I'll manage.

   Can someone let Zanesville, OH know they still have 1 wild animal on the loose!! I think they call him Barack Obama........

   My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!

   There should be three options for facebook posts. "Like", "Dislike", and "Yep, I'm In The 95 Percentile That Doesn't Get It".

   Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."

   Serving Size: Serves six adults or one ten year old.

   "I am not such a dictator that I would shut down Facebook. I will merely imprision anyone who logs into it." ~ Muammar Gaddafi (people are serious you f**k with thie FB you die)

   I'm going to learn how to make balloon animals. just in case an emergency situation calls for the most annoying sound in the universe.

   You call it lazy, But I call it selective participation.

   I wish one of the walls in my bedroom was a giant Lite-Brite.

   If you think you have me figured out, that's hilarious because I don't even have myself figured out.

   Bring a bolt to an amusement park. Get on a roller coaster with a person who looks terrified. When the ride starts, hold up the bolt and say, "Wait...where did this come from?"

   I heard you were voted "Most likely to suck seed."

   We need to employ ninja doctors to do vasectomies secretly to stop dipsh!ts from breeding.