Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Burger King and Dairy Queen got together for a little in-N-out burger and had Carl's Jr. He sing's about old McDonald's farm, his favorite toy is Jack in the box and his favorite cartoon is sonic. He grew up and married Wendy and Taco Bells were ringing.

   FACT: Toilet paper is more useful than your precious college degree. At least an "a**hole" would always hire a roll for to pay off his "sh*t" not student loan debt.

   My wife is leaving me because she says I'm a compulsive liar. I think she knows about me and Beyonce...

   Ugh stupid cold weather totally stole my idea to get a lot of attention today.

   CNN News: Android users will soon be able to unlock their phones using facial recognition. *Not available in China

   Lions, Tigers, And Bears Ohhh My... God! They shot em' all!

   I assume a pretend apple a day keeps the honorary doctorate types away.

   Let's face it people... Slow an Steady NEVER wins the race... Whoever came up with that quote...Is a idiot!

   I hate when my dog stares at me while I'm having sex. That's why I bang him from behind.

   If McDonalds sold hot dogs you wouldn't be able to, with a straight face, order a McWiener and tell them to supersize it.

   China: 1.2 billion people. 50 last names.

   A Happy Meal without a toy should be called a Sad Meal.

   Girls put lots of makeup on....cream..lip gloss...get hair and nails done. Guy's look at them and say,Wow, nice @SS

   I love how the ninja turtles wear masks. Way to hide your identity, its not like your a giant turtle or anything.

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please take them off.

   You ever notice sometimes all day on Wednesday you keep thinking its Thursday? Then when Thursday comes, you're al right again.

   Famous people are droppin like flies..I mean..We had...Michael Jackson..Amy Whinehouse..Steve Jobs.. Whose next.. Lindsay Lohan?!

   I swear Blackberry must be a FEMALE. Only a woman can ignore you for three days flat and then pretend nothing was wrong!

   come to think of it...Rosa Parks never called shotgun

   I don't always drink milk but when I do I prefer Dos Chi Chis