Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "A cook to spoon me, a crossing guard to hold my hand and a big girl to eat the food off my plate as well as hers", Lyrics so far to my hit single, "Wife Hunting"... still single

   The only difference between me and much of the rest of the world is that I admit I'm crazy, whereas they are in denial.

   I am a rare diamond, which you had previously mistaken for a very attractive piece of cut glass

   It's so sad how some people only see the world as something to put on a resume or college application.

   Either that chick was anorexic or the coatrack just got up & walked out of the room.

   Sometimes girls try too hard for boys that dont even care....its kinda sad...girls nowadays are losing their self-respect...

   Eating Doritos while copying out my new weights routine. I am a mystery wrapped in an engma dusted in florescent - orange fake cheese powder.

   What's sad is that December 22, 2012 falls on a Saturday, so you can't go to school and say "Oh, I thought we were all going to die, so I didn't do my homework".

   Just found out "Groupons" are just coupons for Grey Poupon. If you try to redeem them for anything else at Walmart you will be arrested.

   My Friend blames my Immaturity for getting him arrested! I'm not Immature! Hehe, Don't Drop the Soap!

   I quit smoking by switching to sunflower seeds. Cured my smoking habit, but now I have a strange desire to want to sh!t on newspaper...

   Trojan just released a new camoflauge condom. Their slogan is, "She'll never see you coming!"

   When you have an enemy mad at you...they will break your bones. But if you have a friend mad at you.... they will break your heart!!

   As awesome as it would be, sadly the state farm jingle does not work for you unless you are doing a commercial :(

   With everything going on lately... I've got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!

   The entire French language is a choking hazzard.

   I'm not drunk, all right. I just have a speech impediment ... and a stomach virus ... and an inner ear infection.

   Pouring the last bowlful of Lucky Charms from its box and finding no marshmallows is like pouring a bowlful of sadness.

   Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

   I know a million ways to always pick the wrong thing to say! Hey... I'm multi-talented!! I can talk and piss you off at the same time!