Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That lonely moment when the only text message you get all day is from your cell phone company..

   - There was a woman outside WalMart with a box of kittens. She asked me if I wanted one. I of course told her that I had kitten for breakfast. She called me a big jerk. I told her they taste a lot like puppies. Thats when she really got mad....

   You can never think of any changes or improvements to your essay until AFTER you print it out.

   Realizing that you aren't that smart after all is a sign of maturity.

   Women are like condoms; if they're not on your d!ck, they're in your wallet.

   How come when people fill out applications, under "Emergency Contact," nobody ever puts "911"?

   Why to guys who wear skinny jeans still hit on girls? They're already in their pants.

   It's nice when someone can reply to your sarcasm with sarcasm instead of just getting offended.

   So now I hear that the world is supposed to end on 21 Oct 2011. There's a greater chance of me growing purple hair, blue teeth and a unicorn horn along with pooping rainbows before I believe that rubbish!

   Epic Fail # ur on a date and think you guys are having a moment and move in for the kiss and all you here from here mouth is...what are you doing?...lol

   Why do ladies spend so much anger on The Other Woman? They should really be more infuriated with their cheating lover.

   Dear ladies: We are not that hard to find. We are in the friend zone, right where you left us. Sincerely, The nice guys.

   Let's face it ladies, if men walked around with b0ners you'd stare at them too.

   When a woman doesn't cry over you anymore, it means another man is making her smile.

   Don't ever send me to the store for you if you expect to get your change back.

   You're not gonna be in a relationship very long if you can't keep YOUR relationship business to yourself.

   Those crazy five seconds when you stand up too fast and you go blind or get extremely dizzy

   Son told me last night if I watched one more episode of Glee he was pulling my "Man" card!! I said whats a "Man" card? He says, something that you no longer have.... Kids these days,,,,,,,

   I don't cut in front of people whenever I'm waiting in long line, that's rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.