Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cookie Monster has probably kidnapped a ton of girl scouts.

   Team member of the month award ..... awesome and desperately sad at the same time

   I told a chemistry joke a few days back. It didn't get a reaction.

   Mathematics may not teach us how to add love or how to minus hate. But it gives us every reason to hope that "every problem has a solution.

   I bet your car doesn't make as many cool noises as mine!!

   retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today!

   ☑ Facebook. ☑ Twitter. ☑ Tumblr. ☐ Life.

   Every man wants to hear those three special words “Swallowed it all”.

   The best gift that God gave man is the ability to translate whatever a woman says into "blah blah blah blah blah."

   Be motivated by the hate you receive and encouraged by the love you receive.

   The reason a man can walk around shirtless with his beer gut hanging out and still feel sexy is because we ARE sexy.

   WOMEN ARE EVIL! WOMEN suck! Oh that reminds me... women are soft... ooh and warm and wet and... what was I b!tching about? Damn women!!!

   F*CK! I'm so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.

   Okay, in case we get caught... lets get our stories straight

   I took a sh!t this morning. TMI? Yeah well I don't want to read about how in love you are with your boyfriend of the week either.

   If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian.

   Most common lie used by women.... "I dont usually do this the first night"

   why buy a 6-pack when you can buy a 12-pack, why buy a 12-pack when you can buy a 24-pack.... screw it, I'm gettin a handle of jack

   if I was any more fun I'd be boobs and bubble wrap

   i hate how I walk by the computer and forget what I was planning on doing and instanly check here and facebook lol.