Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's the little things that make life so beautiful, like when a baby steps on a cat and they both go apesh!t

   Problem: people lie. Solution: trust no one.

   wondering if it is weird to hold a conversation with the guy in you head.... "No Billy, I'm not talking about you."

   Excuse me. Anyone know when the Occupy Hooters rally starts?

   ou know you're lazy when you don't have any clean bowls so you eat cereal off a plate.

   Guy at coffee shop just requested something "dunkable." This is making me uncomfortable.

   GEORGE SOROS HAS JETPACKS AND HE'S NOT SHARING!!!!

   My dog could have just asked for smoke instead of eating the whole pack.

   I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into a one night stand.

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise, thereby saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   Thinking Washington will be the answer to the world's problems is like re-arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

   In elementary school, it was a crime to give homework on Fridays.

   B!tch please, my bubblegum flavor lasts longer than your relationships.

   Went out and bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it :-s

   Admit it – no matter how much you play it cool, you've gotten butthurt over something minor on the Internet before.

   - I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into good energy with one click on that delete button ........ click , click , click ... GONE :)

   wondering if Linus will spend all night in the pumpkin patch again this year.

   amazed of how human body transforms food into sh!t...

   Health Tip: rubbing fruit in the palms of your hands is not a safe alternative to washing with water.

   Recession update: I'm down to one burrito per paycheck. I have neither the energy nor the pico de gallo to joke about this.