Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ask me, Spongebob Squarepants is not a Sponge, he a Tampon.

   You're as useless as the “ay” in “okay”!!

   Yo mama is so fat even her pictures are heavy.

   Aah cute! A little spider crawling on my screen...RIP little one

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker..

   "Party at my crib @ 2am" -on a baby shirt

   My G.P.S...Does not know ..how to get to Sesame Street,,,??

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE VAN!!!!!

   Wow, as it turns out you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sending a big SORRY out to that lady at the Waffle House from this morning. I was just trying to help!

   If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.

   They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.

   I believe an increase in the availability of jeans with elastic waist bands would boost America's morale immeasurably.

   The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.

   Morgan Freeman's freckles and earring creeps me out.

   When I go to Mexican restaurants I order a glass of water, eat all of the chips and salsa and walk out without paying.

   Girl goes back to her dorm and says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian???

   I heard dogs can detect cancer in humans. I think they can also detect STDs because they always sniff my junk, I mean my friend's junk.

   I used to have a job where I crushed aluminum cans all day. worst job ever....soda pressing.

   Its called the Fast Lane, NOT the Speed Limit Lane, so move over!