Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MAN RULE 104: No man should ever whisper in another man's ear.

   I don't want a job...i just want money.

   I already know this is going to be a disaster. I pregret this.

   So, we are allowed to pee in our own showers, just not other people's showers. Check. My neighbor is never looking at me the same, is he?

   I just drank 3 cups of coffee with 2 Ambien. Now I am tired of being awake.

   If you truly understand me, you'll let me be annoying.

   child beauty pageants..these mothers are insane..thats my OPINION..!!!!

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.

   Did you know if you ask a hairstylist for the "Bieber" They'll shave off all your pubes?

   I got pulled over the other day for weaving. I can't even f*cking sew, let alone weave, especially when I'm that drunk.

   I bet you $567.89 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

   My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...

   Programmed a random destination into my GPS this morning, and just drove all around today making her recalculate my route. I suspect vulgarity soon, or she'll just stop talking to me.

   A.) Go to Google Maps. B.) Search for 47.110579,9.227568 C.) Find the green arrow. Then click more, then street view. D.) Click up 2x then right 2x..............They are watching us

   sometimes I wanna smack the hell outta a cyclist with my mirror..

   saying sorry in advance for any overuse of "21 Questions" Facebook e-mail notifications. I'm just really curious to find out who thinks I have a cute butt

   Steve Jobs tombstone: iDied

   iDead..Rest in Peace Steve Jobs...you created great machines I can't afford :[

   I was pretty pissed about the fake iPhone5 too though...

   Rest iPeace Steve Jobs