Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!

   no! I will not dress all fancy shmancy just to go to wal mart

   I hope Jerry Jones is driving the stagecoach when the Cowboys organization finally pulls it together and sends Romo off into the sunset.

   The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?

   I really think I am gonna get a knock on my front door one day and the person saying "We have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"

   Why does the weather man try and educate me on mother nature? Bro, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow... hoodie or jacket...

   If CVS and Walgreens sold gas, they would be perfect

   I use to LOOOOOVEEE kissing................until I got some head

   Who told women they could be the judge on what a real man is?

   I just renamed my external hard drive "That Thang", so when I plug it in to the computer it asks me - Would You Like To Back "That Thang" up?

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   it rude to throw an Altoid in someone's mouth while they are talking?

   zombie rule #57 - you cannot armbar a zombie.

   Remember that your glass is always half full...if not...HEY BARTENDER!!!

   pretty sure he knows people who stood in line for a second helping of "a special kind of stupid."

   Love and be loved, Smile and be smiled upon .. no good has ever came from a bitter heart.

   They should invent a game for people with bad breath.. I would call it "Taste the Colgate!"

   To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.

   OK let's get this straight. You are human tennis elbow, a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth, kitty litter on the floor when you're walking barefoot in the middle of the night... Why don't you like me?