Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you plan on meeting someone on facebook who has no pictures on their profile page. A word of caution. Better you should bury your face in Rosie O'Donnell's a$$ for 6 hours, than hook up with that monster.

   Sometimes I meow back at cats.

   Hello, I am the new Facebook Representative in your area. You can give me your check or money order for $29.99 a month for your account to stay actvie...

   What the deuce!! Talk about a knee trembling, ball tingling experience 2 start your day! Natural Source mint and tea tree shower gel is awesome!!! :)

   Don't you hate it when you see a kid picking her nose in public and her Mom , who is aware, thinks it's “cute”. Makes me want to say “Eat it. It's finger licking good.”

   I hate it when some popular girl form high school goes on an on about her life. I'm like woman shut your hole. Your mouth's had more pr*cks in it than a tavern dartboard.

   It's sad but Stevie Wonder's gotten so heavy he can't see his d*ck anymore.

   Why do people have Spiders as pets? It's not like tarantulas are cuddly or anything. I refuse to have a “pet” whose secret fantasy is finally being able to wrap me in a cocoon.

   Certain people come into your life as a blessing, others as a lesson and a few as a punishment.

   Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure..

   When I turn 69...(please feel free to finish this one)

   Nothing says "I'm a heartless,souless,low life,bottom feeding,inbred,motherf*cking scuz bag" like holding up a protest sign at a funeral.

   I am not looking at you, I am looking past you.

   Every time a car passes by me with an old matress strapped down to the top, I often wonder if there is that little possibilty that a prostitue could be making a house call!

   Facebook is about to start charging. If you want to keep your free account then go to your profile, take your right hand and punch yourself in the taint until it turns blue. Then post the picture and video on your profile.

   Sex can not ruin a friendship! Thats like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

   told his secretary this morning that her vocabulary was abominable to which she responded by asking me to keep her stocmach out of the question!

   dreamt he wrote the Lord of the Rings last night...seems I was just Tolkien in my sleep!

   I'm on a jet, flying to Europe. "Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asked. I go, "What are my choices?". She said, "Yes or no."

   ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ