Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got off the phone with my bookie. If the space junk hits any of the members of Nickelback I will be a very wealthy man.

   My advice for pretty much anything that's broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".

   I removed my windshield wipers and now I don't get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!

   Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!

   I hate it when teachers say, “You think it's funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn't I wouldn't be laughing…

   You know what I really hate? When I miss someones call by a few minutes and when I call back they don't answer

   The wife and I just sat in a hot car and bickered for six hours. It was the same as going on vacation except we saved $1000.

   just heard the weather news, a chance of rain and dead satellite falling in the US.

   Those damn NASA Scientists couldnt tell me where the satellite was landing...now have to figure out alternative ways of getting rid of my ex

   Whenever I go through a junk drawer and see things like a battery, a paper clip, several old rubberbands, an old watch, and a glasses repair kit I always wonder-WWMD? What would MacGuyver do?

   Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!

   Dear Fork, I know I've never contacted you since I ran away with the plate. But I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair. Sincerely, Spoon

   Just heard on the news we're still waiting on news of the falling satellite. Anyone know where Bruce Willis is?

   This weekends weather forecase includes scatterd showers throughout the day, a high of 76 degrees and a low of 60. ...Oh yeah, and theres probably gonna be a satellite falling from the sky. =|

   What I resent most about 2011 : No Jetson Backpacks

   dear automatic flushing toilet, I wasnt finished. calm the FUWK down!!!

   A wise man learns by the mistakes of others, a fool by his own.

   21 years old? 5 kids? That's not a vajayjay, that's a Pez dispenser.

   Trust is the most important part of a relationship. You must be 100% sure that she wont tell your wife!!!

   According to the TV ads, using Crest whitening strips will make your teeth shiny enough to use as an illumination devices.