Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only in West Virginia would see a bumper sticker that reads "Proud parent of a nephew"

   Damn, my foot's asleep, now it's going to be up all night.

   Dont Ask Don't Tell policy is no more in the U.S. Military Time for a party I'll bring the beer you bring the rear

   would you lke a tampon with that status you moody b*tch

   a sneaking suspicion that we've read this before. if you read them here 5 or 10 pages ago odds are we did too.

   I don't drink to forget, I… what was I saying?

   Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.

   Got held up at customs again. Think it might be because of my rock look.

   Dear construction worker: After 637 washes, your orange shirt is no longer classified as "high visibility".

   Congrats on ur Bar Mitzvah. Today you r a man, which you'll now illustrate by going apes*** over presents.

   I still don't know why they call it Virgin Atlantic. My plane was full of skanks who wouldn't take no for an answer!

   WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

   I say they give all politicains the Federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour....See how fast things change then!!!!

   Some watch football for the game. Some watch it so the commercials will let them know what questions to ask their doctor.

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   I hope with all of the cool technology they're getting from that crashed UFO in Area 51 that one day scientists will be able to develop reversible socks without the annoying seam in the toe.

   I got 7 Rolls Royces, a indoor and outdoor pool, and a 3 toed sloth that updates my Facebook status

   If you continue to argue with someone moments after you realized they are retarded, makes you a retard too.

   would rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy .

   I wish Caillou the very best, but there is no way that whiny brat is surviving past middle school!