Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.

   GIRLS DAD: "Don't let him touch you", BOYS DAD: "Get in there son."

   Your life is none of my business, but if it was, I would sell it.

   That's the second un-manly thing you did today...

   The original plan for Mount Rushmore was to have them all making out with each other.

   If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.

   I just saw that Lion King is being rereleased in Blu-Ray 3D..... Yeah thats just what I want to see! Mufasa plumiting to his death in 3D!

   Does your a$s ever get jealous of all the sh!t that comes out of your mouth?

   best kind of woman to have is someone eleses.

   Adam and Eve had an ideal relationship. He didn't have to hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear about how well Adam's mother cooked.

   My mind has gone wandering. If you find it, please tell it to come home, and to bring cookies!

   You wanna see awesome? Go to the nearest mirror and make eye contact with the eyes that look back at you :)

   Today a 5 foot tall grashopper spit in my face, I went to my doctor and he did tell me he heard there was a really nasty bug going around

   The human race as a species is done. People are actually thinking Nicolas Cage is a vampire. Hooray for civilization.

   Just got fired from SuperCuts for suggesting we change our name to 'Shut the hell up. You're at the Mall. What did you Expect?''

   What is it about stupid people that makes them think they are ALWAYS right, without exception?

   Visiting your extremely religious Grandma can be a day full of uncomfortable feelings and guilt. This is because Grandma has a little Dogma that's obsessed with chasing after everyone elses Karma.

   Boy, the way that guy whines about stuff is hot. Said no woman ever.

   Remember, they're laughing with you, not at you. They're only pointing at you so you know who they're laughing with.

   I used to think that there was this huge difference between Clowns and Mimes. But actually they all scream the same kinds of things at you when you spray them with Pepper Spray.