Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how they call it common sense when it seems so rare.

   Never marry a tennis player----love means nothing to them!

   A real woman avoids drama like a plague, for she knows her efforts and time are too precious and to be wasted on little minded people and their tantrums... Unless of course that woman is an alcoholic sexual deviant, then 'real' no longer applies.

   Facebook is a like real life in that I don't think of the witty reply until 5 or 6 days after the conversation happened.

   A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP."

   My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0-200 in 2 seconds flat when shes in it. I gave her a scale

   I assume "Luftballons" is German for "bottles of beer on the wall"

   I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

   This Yorkie is eating up our retirement money. I'm serious. She found the shoebox under the bed.

   I just got a new high score at Dishwasher Tetris!

   If you ever see me getting beating by the police, put down the camera and come help me instead..

   I'm not homophobic, some of my best shirts are gay.

   "As Obama Discusses His Job Creation Plan, Bank Of America Releases Details Of 40,000 Job Cuts"

   True story: Apparently there is a bar/club called "G-spot" in my area. One night a girl came up to me downtown and asked me where the "G-spot" was located and I said I didn't know. Epic Fail

   WARNING! My mind is subject to change.

   I am the kind of friend who will sneakly shake your soda can before handing it to you.

   If all roads were straight forward, we'd fall asleep on the wheel.

   Being in a relationship with someone who is always miserable with themselves can turn you into a miserable person as well.

   Switzerland's economy was ranked #1 by the World Economic Forum while the U.S. fell to #5.....I guess those little Swiss army knives must be selling like hotcakes! ツ

   Release the Kraken !!!!!!