Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

   I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

   I wonder how many old people have died trying to cut open tennis balls to put on their walker.

   Been in the back yard trip'in on shrooms... Stepped on those slippery little b@stards and busted my ass.

   Dear Gangsta, While the prime "cap" is indeed a very important part of the cartridge it will actually be the bullet that you pop in my ass. Just thought you should know.

   I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.

   Some of the best memories leave a stain.

   No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before. - My next ex-girlfriend

   Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.

   You have six kids with six different fathers and you're on this online dating site looking for a honest and committed man with no kids...ok..good luck....

   Relationships are like a card game. You start off with 2 Hearts and a Diamond, then end up wishing you had a Club and Spade.

   Username or Password Incorrect” … You couldn't just tell me which one?

   My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

   Typing a huge paragraph with your true feelings, but then erasing it and typing “yeah…”

   It sucks being a Jewish kid, at my birthdays instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey we played pin the eviction notice on the black guy's door.

   Tsunami? Wild Fires? Tornadoes? Hurricanes? Earthquakes?...I thought we had til 2012?

   if swimming is great exercise, explain whales to me?

   has 2 mysterious people living in our house... Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and nobody knows who!

   I remember a time when our country put aside its differences and came together as one. To show our contempt for Hollywood awards shows.

   Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition