Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I accidentally took 4 Ativan pills but I'm surprisingly not all that worried.

   Well I can't be an optimistic if my blood type is " B NEGATIVE "

   You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!

   With all the technology now you'd figure power rangers would have better graphics....

   OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS !!! 1. Hold your breath for 10 minutes. 2. Die.

   When I broke up with my ex girlfriend she threatened to kill herself. One year later she got married. Close enough.

   Borrow your girlfriend's pink slippers just to go check the mail and everybody in the whole damn community will stop by to chat. True story. FML

   Foot fetishes are for men who don't know what boobs are, right?

   You know these pagers they give you to let you know when you table's ready? They make great coasters when you steal them.

   Ten folded ones in my left pants pocket, four buffalo chicken wings bones in my right pants pocket and empty mini bottles scattered around the house... apparently I had fun last night.

   And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife. And you may ask yourself: Did I remember to clear my browser history?

   People who remove the the vowels to text..why don't you do us all a favor and remove the consonants too?

   I don't run away from my problems so much as I let them go on ahead without me.

   I just saw a "Git-R-Done" bumper sticker on a Prius and I don't know what's real anymore.

   My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?

   I was working out the other day and ''Rolling In The Deep'' came on. I think it was the first time Adele's ever been in a gym.

   the guy that drives behind me normally chewing his finger was eating a pizza this morning. I was curious to find out the topping so I hit the brakes suddenly. It was pineapple and ham

   i hate someone who friend requests me then has the nerve to i.m. me"how do I know u" so I delete them and repy"now you dont know me"

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from a picture that makes her look fat.

   ■My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar.