Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's some consolation in the fact that even though your dreams haven't come true.... neither have your nightmares.

   If your azz is as wide as an ax handle, you shouldn't be allowed to use "LMAO"

   Am I a hypochondriac? Well, a cloud just went in front of the sun and I thought I was fainting.

   I can't decide if this thick orange sky color over New York is beautiful or too close to a chemical attack of some sort.

   Why is it that when I get 50 napkins at McDonalds I don't use any, but when subway gives me two they're gone in 10 seconds.

   has a bad case of SRH!!! (Sperm retention headache)

   May the force of Hurricane Irene wipe out the entire "Jersey Shore" cast. Lord, hear our prayer!

   WOW! Monty Hall turns 90 today - apparently he was offered 12 more year of healthy living, or he could trade it for what's behind door #2

   I hope hurricane Irene takes care of "Jersey Shore"... Permanently!

   playing cards is a lot like marriage...if you don't have a good partner you better have a good hand.

   Uncle sam & all his relatives gotta take a piece of my paycheck. Half of these people I don't even know what they do...like who the hell is FICA???

   Steve Jobs' text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" autocorrect gone bad strikes again!

   Shakespear in prison: To take it or not to take it, THAT is the question

   Sitting here eating a dozen wings thinking how badly I want to be a vegetarian.

   Relationships are like math problems. Sometimes you have to take someone out of the equation, put someone else in, and everything balances out.

   Before you go in and fight for something, just make sure its worth the effort and time.

   Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.

   Today I met a FOOL who has both, his girlfriend and her mother as friends on his Facebook.

   Females that utter males terms such as "Suck My D*ck" will NEVER get married.

   girls with flat chests and guys with hips deserve each other.......its only fair.