Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife quote of the weekend: "I can't believe Kim Kardashian is making 2 million dollars off her wedding, and all I made was 2 kids and my father really mad." Thanks, honey, it's all been magical for me too...

   Be the girl that all the guys want. Not the girl all the guys HAD.

   Losing friends and alienating people, one day at a time!

   I just play music louder and louder til I can't hear my stupid seat belt warning beeping

   #ThatMomentOfPanic when the 2 year old's parent asks, "Who hurt you", and the child points at you..............FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!

   Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it

   A smart man never interrupts his wife.....when she is......... cooking cleaning and doing laundry!

   When work gets monotonous I go for a long sit down potty Break. Then I can honestly say to my boss "Hey! I'm one of the few people who actually gives a sh*t around here!"

   I always say, "If you can't say anything nice, we have a lot in common. "

   Why do receipts need to be 75 feet long? I reach into my pocket thinking I have a wad of cash, turns out I just bought a soda earlier.

   I don't think the economy has turned around so much as it has backed over us and parked.

   The Internet is the world's greatest source of things you don't really need.

   TSA has announced Nude scanning . Now women have to diet not only for swim wear but going to the airport too!

   I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

   If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.

   Your pictures would look a lot better if they were real.

   I have said it before and I will say it again. IT

   Blonde goes to the doctor very upset..."i have these dark circles under my eyes n no matter how much sleep I get they wont go away"....."maam, those r ur nostrils" @_@

   Changed your status to complicated? Can't decide which hand to use?

   The very moment I can imagine a really hot girl taking a dump, is the very second I'm no longer attracted to her