Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody is worth feeling like sh*t for, if they are not bringing you up, then drop their a$$ and stop letting them drag you down.

   finally, the Friday of my discontent

   I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG

   had some x-rays taken today, turns out I'm not big-boned...just fat :(

   Abercrombie and Fitch telling the Jersey Shore Cast that wearing their brand makes the brand look scuzzy is a lot like Lindsay Lohan telling Paris Hilton that her partying antics make talentless famous starlets look like trash.

   The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

   Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. George Carlin

   My “Sleep Number” is pretty much 24/7.

   ghetto word of the day: Israel "homie that watch is fake, nah man it this watch Israel"

   a black guy in a horror movie has a better chance to survive than a white girl in aruba

   the rejection you feel when the automatic doors dont open for you..

   the difference between your mind and heart; your mind tells you what the smart thing is to do.. and your heart tells you what you're gonna do anyway.

   My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will.

   Can I legally change my name to the same name, but with a bigger font?

   Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

   Somebody should invent a breathalyzer you can hook to your computer to prevent people from facebooking while intoxicated...

   Went to a Real life party and I knew everybody there. Went to a Facebook party and saw most of my friends. Went to a Twitter party and didn't know anybody there. Went to a Myspace party and I was the only one there.

   I once went to a diner and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

   I do not like them in my inbox. I do not like them from a blond fox. I do not like your webcam spam. I do not like them, Scam I Am.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.