Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me and my girl roleplay in the bedroom, she pretends she's Catwoman and I pretend I love her

   Today, at Starbucks, when the lady asked for my name, I told her "Voldemort". When the guy called out the name for pick-up, he said, "VOL...uhhh...'He Who Must Not Be Named'".

   I never eat in hospital cafeterias. I'm always afraid they'll try to poison me to amp up business.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of!

   This really works, 1 hold your breath for one hour. 2 die

   I wonder if Busta Rhymes texts with no spaces...

   I wish I could commute to work by roller-coaster....

   Dear Tampax... a few thoughts.. World peace.. Vibrating tampons... you're welcome.

   Look out. The first song I heard today was Eye Of The Tiger. It scored my "looking for my car keys and wallet" montage.

   Some idiot just bought MySpace for 35 million. Now looks like the ideal time to sell my dusty old CD towers for 9 million dollars.

   Ladies; don't judge a man on some sh*t that you heard about his past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.

   Dollar goes in, soda comes out. Only possible explanation? Aliens.

   If a mute swears, does his mother was his hands with soap??

   Facebook starting drama since 2004.

   Ladies don't request a guy with a big d*ck and try to limit how deep he can go! You're in violation!!!!!

   Ghetto word of the day : Omelet I shoulda slapped da fu*k outta yo a$$ but omelet dat sh!t slide dis time! 

   I'm curious how many of you are Austrian boys. Show of Hans?

   It' s impossible to sneak Oreos out of this loud & sticky package they're in. Damn you Nabisco!!

   Don't judge a a person on some crap that you heard about their past. If you wasn't in it then it's none of your business.!!!

   Please don't wish me sweet dreams, I am diabetic.