Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see you're playing stupid. Looks like you're winning too.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”

   Every time I'm in a hotel and I pass by a room with a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign, I always assume that the people inside are banging the hell out of each other.

   When you steal a woman from another man in the middle of their relationship, don't be surprise tomorrow when someone else steals her from you coz she has already proven that she is steal-able.

   Apparently, screaming "It's my money and I need it now!" out the window only goes over well in the commercials.

   heard that the Roswell aliens are not happy that America took one of their ships for a joyride and crashed it into the Pacific.

   Lets take a minute of silence for the people of Syria who, without outside help or becoming a burden on any country's economy or taxpayers, are fighting bare hand for their freedom. We are with you in spirit.

   My son asked me why Piggly Wiggly sells bacon. He said, "Isn't that like them selling their soul?"

   forget the london roits , the main story I'm interested in is USA man killed by flying cow .... How did it get its pilot license?

   Faithful and trust worthy partners are like a thong on a fat girl…so hard to find.

   To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It's IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top

   I've had a rough week, so I'm going to watch Jersey Shore to feel better about my life.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   Having female friends is a lot like having a pet tiger. Fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day they turn on you.

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   I tasted my own medicine. It's bacon flavored and hallucinogenic. Thanks for the advice!

   The next time I go to chruch.. I'm bringin my own wine and crackers!

   One man's trash is another man's daughter.