Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan!

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose

   How can you just assume that a gallon of whiskey a day has a negative effect on my life?

   Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

   Most elderly women look like they put their lipstick on with their feet.

   My life is like watching The 3 Stooges in spanish

   Never take anyone seriously who takes GOLF seriously.

   Watched way too much Shark week episodes last week. I fell off a pool float yesterday in the pool and started panicking.....

   Smart phones shouldn't be given to dumb people. It's like giving an annoyingly loud toy to an obnoxious child.

   I've just bought a new boomarang; took me 3 weeks to throw the old one away!

   I remember when I was the bad ass that had to walk at the end of the line in kindergarten.

   Hi, I'm Tweeting from casualty. Nothing to worry about, just turns out the new Dyson ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   n't it strange how hot sexy women always drive cute little cars? Which reminds me - the MOT's due on the wife's Transit.

   it just me,or is Stevie Nicks starting to look like Johnny Cash?

   Recent studies have shown that smoking marijuana destroys the memory.. well if thats true, then what does smoking marijuana do?

   A flash mob sounds alot more fun then it actually is.

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   It always confuses me when I see that sign in the bathroom that reads..."DO NOT FLUSH FOREIGN OBJECTS"...ha! Yeah, as if what's coming out of my a$$ isn't Foreign enough!

   im not sure how to say this but I'm gonna say it the only way I know how but...I wanna have sex Katy Perry.

   asked by his wife to buy her something that goes from 0 to 80 in less than 5 seconds for her birthday...but she didn't like the weighing scale I got her.