Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   36 Million pounds of tainted ground turkey was recently recalled. I'm not sure why anyone would want to buy turkey taint in the first place.

   I'm convinced my physical therapist thinks I'm a cross between "Gumby" and "Stretch Armstrong"....Today I left her office (a.k.a medieval torture chamber) folded into some form of decorative origami. :/

   says I made a starteling discovery this morning, apparently someone broke into my house last night and stole my "baggie" jeans from last year and replaced them with "skinny" jeans

   My name is __________ and my goal is to make you smile.

   Its Funny How Some People Worry More About What Others Think Then What They Feel . . [ </3 ]

   Does anyone else find F5 to be a very refreshing button to press?

   The grass IS greener on the other side, but the gardener does not always show up.

   takes wine in a box to a whole different level

   Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.

   we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

   When my therapist said I needed supervision, I thought I was getting a super power

   Just once when the trainer asks one of the background people in the workout video how he's doing, I want him to respond: "I'm exhausted - you're a fu*king lunatic"

   Never date a girl whose father calls her "Princess." Chances are.. she believes it

   I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one

   McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'

   apparently I celebrated International Beer Day Eve a little to much last night

   in a land of chimpanzees I was a monkey

   i can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record, I can sound like a broken record,i can sound like a broken record...

   needs some comfort food.. Oh wait! I ate it already.. :-/

   so sick of double standards. If a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys, she's a "ho"...bu​t if a guy does the same thing, he's "gay".