Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What are the three fastest forms of communication? Television, telephone, tellawoman.

   We used a blow up doll for a raft one time. You should have seen the looks on the parents faces. It was awesome. Giddyup!

   They sent my Census form back-AGAIN!!! In response to the question: "Do you have any dependents?" I replied - "12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 8.5 million unemployed people, 7 million in prisons; millions in every state collecting.

   Drunk is... Fumbling in the dark with a condom wrapper, only to discover you've been trying to open a packet of McDonald's ketchup for the last 15 minutes.

   Whenever my girlfriend tells me to "be safe" everytime I walk out the door, that means that I need to carry condoms with me, right?

   next time a doctor tells you to cut your alcohol intake, tell them that wine is made from fruit, brandy is distilled wine, and beer is made from grain, cutting back on alcohol will reduce my 5-a-day!

   My girlfriend's ex walked over to me the other day and asked… "So how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?" I said, "Doesn't bother me, actually once you get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new."

   Another sad news in the music industry, Justin Bieber was found in his apartment, ALIVE

   Behind every good man is a good woman. Behind her are her over opinionated friends so she gets bad advice and comes off sounding like a b!tch.

   Thanks, confirmation email telling me I've successfully unsubscribed from your emails. You just had to get the last word in didn't you?

   I've been told I have a certain ineffable quality. But guys, I think you'll find I'm totally effable if you drink enough beer.

   Cell phones should have the option to change "airplane mode" to "drunk mode" that way your drunk texts never leave your phone.

   LIKE IF: You sat down to check Facebook real quick and...an hour later, you're still here.

   lmaoo.. I hate when people say, "i gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face?

   I set up my Google+ today with two main groups 1. Me 2.Them

   has become a master at using shake weights...I guess those trombone lessons paid off after all!

   I hope to someday live in a world where we all remember which side the gas tank is on.

   Maybe if they turned the economy off and then turned it back on it might run better. Works for my computer.

   wonders how many people could get high from snorting Amy Winehouse's ashes...

   Attention guy walking two feet behind me down the entire block even though we're the only people on this street: I will stab you in 10 feet.