Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just had a SPIDER try webbing down on me this morning in the shower. Let me tell you, that'll kill a morning wood REAL quick!

   Most cocaine addicts don't even like cocaine, they just use it as an excuse to put dollar bills up their nose.

   The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.

   In today's economy, a picture is only worth about 250 words.

   All I heard was, "I swear it'll be funny"... Then we were in jail.

   I don't mean to sound sleezy but tease me I don't want it if it's that easy.

   If you get drunk, don't worry. I'll let my sex drive.

   American presidents: ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☻

   has been on so many blind dates I should get a free guide dog!

   My chat box is now open for flirting.

   If I could find a deaf, mute hot blonde....I would give her the world!!

   I wrote a joke about the short duration of cocaine, in fact the joke itself is a one-liner.

   “Tired of online dating? You're not alone.” Yes you are. That's why you're dating online.

   A necktie functions like a tourniquet, preventing excess blood from entering the head.

   Every flaw in my character is quietly salvaged as evidence of my genius.

   Wow it's hot!.....I'm sweating like a Priest at a Cub Scout picnic! ツ

   Who the hell put the sun on HIGH?????

   So me && grandma go for a joy ride and I turn on the radio, she says" who in the devil is this?" I replyed Grandma, his name is 50 cent, she then said " well I'll give him a dollar to shut up!"

   The amount of times I've "apparently" won an ipod an ipad or an iphone while I'm on the internet would put apple out of business!

   Im tryin to beat The Heat like Dirk Nowitzki.