Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here's an idea, instead of pointing out the faults of others, look in the mirror, find your own faults and start correcting them. That ought to keep you busy for a while you judgmental and hypocritical b*stard.

   .I only ever go where I'm needed, and by needed I mean go where the cookies are.

   I hate when they print out a receipt and there's an option for Tip before you put the Total Charge. I'm not going to tip you just because you printed out my receipt!

   Some people have this amazing ability in life, the ability to still care for people they shouldn't give a damn about, people they have every right to hate because of all the sh*t they have put them through. I am not one of those people!

   I'd probably get a lot more done if it wasn't for me.

   I officially give up...lol oh well I guess thats why god gave me hands and man made energizer batteries lol

   whenever you feel powerless, remember that just one single turd of yours can shut down an entire waterpark

   ❒Single ❒Taking ✔Screw that it will only bring me down when I run from Zombies

   Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman

   I need some time alone....Gonna go sign in to Myspace

   The only thing worse than having to sit through countless worthless commercials is remembering that you're watching a recorded program but not until after watching back to back menopause commercials.

   This status update is from my friend Josiah. He's Amish and never really gets to give a status update : / "Hey, I'm good." ~ Josiah

   I will start carrying “like” stickers and put them on people's forehead when they say something funny.

   Take away all the vowels in "female" you get FML...

   What do you think it means if there's no fortune in your cookie?

   Thinks its funny that cigarettes have a warning label on one side, and special offers on the other.

   If I see one more picture of how many degrees your vehicle says it is outisde...

   about to give herself a Brazlian using duct tape and candle wax. This may hurt a bit...

   It is so frigging hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in gatorade .

   im not saying I'm a badass, but I do play the wii without the straps