Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i wish I was a white crayon , So no one could use me

   Stop chasing him. Stop turn around and see who's chasing you

   The worst kind of human contact is "eye contact through that crack in a bathroom stall when you're pulling up your pants" contact.

   Love is never wrong...Especially when that love is between two young carefree ladies who have wandering hands and a deep curiosity for experimentation with Coprophagia, a little Cyclic vomiting syndrome and a cup...Yea that's some real love :)

   Can someone text me a donut?

   It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   99 problems. 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Problems solved.

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise."

   Watching depression medication commercials makes me depressed. I'm just glad herpes commercials don't have the same effect.

   I'm watching a special on how William wooed Kate with his cooking skills. Good for him. If I was in his position, my wooing program would only consist of . . . you know I'm going to be king someday."

   to the guy who keeps posting with such enthusiam about his wife's mum, might be better off spending time looking into your own gene pool first

   the feeling of getting an email with an attachment

   I can't wait for the next Daniel Radcliffe movie, where he will play "the guy played by the kid who used to be Harry Potter in this new movie that no one will see."

   it did not taste like chicken at all

   UGLY = [U]nderstand [G]od [L]oves [Y]ou

   Thinking about getting a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my farmer tan that reads "I work"

   70% of my FB friends think I am being disingenuous when I say I find it funny that they "like" my posts. The other 30% are Googling "disingenuous"...

   Well well well Mr. Sun, It's about time your lazy a$$ showed up for work!!

   I want to live in a house with secret passageways and one of those revolving walls that you have to pull out a book to open.