Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've recently found out that I can be a pain in my own ass...

   sippin coffee on the porch swing trying to wake up when I catch sight of a wiener dog chasing a pinto car down the road ...today is going to be EPIC!!!

   You're clearly God's gift to women...if God shopped at the dollar store.

   The easy way to teach a woman the true value of money is to borrow it from her.

   When your electronic device is low on batteries, it has enough to remind you every 3 minutes with loud noises and flashy lights.

   Have you ever watched a really funny video, shown it to someone else and you keep saying Just wait, it gets funnier?

   Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a--hole.

   THIS IS CRUEL: 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

   "What have I done?!! Everybody run!!" -Inventor of the boomerang

   LIKE IF: your best friends like your Facebook status because they know the story behind it.

   Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.

   Its up to you if you want to sneak your IPod into a meeting. Just don't do an air drum solo. It gives you away.

   I am still disappointed that I was not nominated for a BET award.

   They should invent a snooze button that hits back.

   I was living with a girl for a while. We worried about different things. One day, I was like, What do you fear the most? And she was like I fear youll meet someone else and youll leave me and I'll be all alone. And she was like what do you fear? Bears

   Not even Clint Eastwood could make a Segway cop look bad a$$.

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on.

   If you get a booty call at 3AM.…. You probably weren't first on the list.

   The good thing about not drinking is that I remember everything, and the bad thing about not drinking is that I remember everything.

   So you're here reading my status wasting valuable work time or just procrastinating. Don't feel so bad, I procrastinated and then wasted valuable work time writing it.