Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your ass smelling like meadows and rain drops?

   So I have been thinking about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little baby spoons and then I got to wondering...what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

   No man ever talked a woman into sex. 99% of the time, a woman knows she is going to have sex when she walks out the door. Men can only talk themselves out of it.

   I bought a latte yet me pushing 5 of these little round tables together to make a daybed seems to be a big fugging problem at this Starbucks.

   Fellas, There is a direct correlation between the size of the mega-spoiler on your car and the unlikelihood of your getting laid.

   Dance like the photo isn't being tagged, love like you've never been unfriended, and tweet like nobody is following....

   Contrary to popular belief, women really dress to impress other women.

   If you show up at my house without calling first, you'd better be wearing a uniform and delivering the mail.

   If strippers are now called exotic dancers... Then all drug dealers should be referred to as exotic pharmacists

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be "Left rS. 10million in the..."

   Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don't cut it.

   So what you're saying is "sexist" isn't like "perfectionist" or "saxophonist" and I should take it off the resume.

   A lady said her water broke. I offered her my unopened bottle of Aquafina but she kept shouting. She shouted so much an ambulance came.

   My car goes from 0 to 60 in five minutes.

   Obama's speech tonight: Me me me me I I I I me I me I me me me I my my me me I I my me. Oh, and I........

   Does homeowner's insurance cover Kool-Aid Man damage?

   I hate going to a restaurant and my girlfriend orders food and ends up picking out of my plate.

   Whats the point of making cars really really fast if there is a speed limit? like, REALLY, WHATS THE POINT?!?!?!

   Never realized how annoying some people can be. Then you opened my eyes.

   Just clicked a link that promised to show, "the world's largest breasts."... It was just a picture of Michael Moore taking his shirt off.