Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man's life is spent between episodes of women being mad at him.

   I'm pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when the person across the aisle is reading it?

   OMG! Maury Povich just pulled up with a camera crew.. My fathers day just got complicated.

   For most things there's MasterCard For everything else there's Vodka

   Saving a file as "dyjjyggffj", because I'm too lazy to write a proper name.

   I use my cellphone as a flashlight, and hit random buttons to keep it lit.

   If the address on your id and the address where you live are one and the same then you ain't my type of people

   When I run for president, if you vote for me i'll make it so homeless people can't have dogs anymore.

   I'm seeing alot of lesbian couples with kids. This tells me that men needa start making better fathers than women. Quit slackin fellas.

   Everybody should have a friend who stutters... its like having your own personal dj...

   I was going to say whats on my mind but @Kanye West showed up and took away the keyboard! What a jackass...

   Rihanna sings about how chains and whips excite her. I wonder if her ancestors felt the same way!

   I question the marketing department at car dealerships. Does anyone drive by and say "Look balloons! I gotta buy a car!"

   If you can listen to Phil Collins "In the air tonight" and not play the air drums, then you my friend have no soul!

   Tone Loc arrested for domestic violence, he shouldn't of drank that Funky Cold Medina!

   "I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions of Use" should be called, "I didn't read the Terms and Conditions of Use but I want to access this sh*t!

   Father's Day is the most confusing day in the Ghetto !!!

   I noticed today that my EX- Wifes' smart-phone is actually smarter then she is, come to think of it a pre paid walmart cell phone would be smarter then her too.

   . You know you're a dad when you get a certified letter in the mail asking you to be a guest on the Maury Povich Show.