Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Responsible. Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything bad happens, it's always "Who's responsible for this?"

   Attention jobless people on Facebook....You are no longer allowed to mention "Hump Day", "TGIF" or "Can't wait for the weekend!" or anything else that implies you have to work then have days off to relax.

   My girl says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   My girlfriend had auto correct long before iPhone.

   (last one I promise) - LaBron James will publish his autobiography as soon as he can come up with a TITLE

   its come to my attention its been sometime since many of you have brought the noise/and or funk

   Why is it so hard to find a soothsayer in this day and age?!

   Wave your hands in the air, if a bee is right there.

   When at a meeting when the boss says "anyone have any suggestions?" Don't say "inappropriate touch Tuesday"...trust me

   Headline on TMZ: "SHOCKING Nude Photos of Paris Hilton Leaked.” Seriously TMZ, if you really want to shock us, try leaking some photos of Paris reading a book

   PAY DAY: A day when I never feel like working....CHECK PLEASE!

   "We Built This City on Slave Labor and Freemason Secrets" - Thomas Jefferson Starship.

   FACT: When a woman feels like her emotions are being played with.............She becomes the FBI...

   I just asked a guy at the Mac Store if the iPhone 5 will come with an app that makes AT&T not suck.

   I don't get Pitbull, he makes one decent song and then sings for 10 seconds in others and he makes millions of dollars? Wtf?

   From the way Vancouver goalie Roberto Loungo is playing in the Stanly Cup, it appears that he watched too much of the NBA Finals and wants to change his name to LeBron-go...

   Women...why is it so hard to F-in fill the gas tank? The E doesn't stand for ENOUGH!!

   solving all the world's problems--one roll of duct tape at a time...

   If you woke up tomorrow and all you had was what you had thanked God for today, what would you have?

   Dear children,stop wondering what I am. I'm a star! You just said it like two seconds ago. Sincerely, Twinkle Twinkle