Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All Right.unless you are a cup of coffee stay outa my face for the next hour!

   Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo.

   The best thing about using exclamation marks is that no one knows how sad you are!!!

   in a world that has Taco Bell is there really a need for X-Lax? just sayin :)

   What I love best about sex with a married woman is wiping myself off with her husband's clean underwear!

   My hangover feels like someone is screaming at me in German.

   i doubt you're really laughing out loud

   Palin emails show's that she hadn't had a vacation in 5 years. Heck, the Obama's can't go 5 weeks without a vacation.......

   Math teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand, and 6 in the other. What do I have? Student: A drinking problem?

   That awkward moment when your nose can't decide if it wants to sneeze or continue to make you look stupid… and then not sneeze at all!

   Lebron needs to start asking himself WWJD ( what would Jordan Do?)

   Every time a bird poops on my car... I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my patio just to show them what I'm capable of

   My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

   Sometimes you see more when you stop looking. Except when I'm at your bedroom window. Then I see EVERYTHING.

   ____ Things I've done more of since I joined Facebook: 1. Less

   When I see someone pushing a dog in a stroller I understand why the news is filled with murder.

   Now where did I put those crystals for this napoleon dynamite time machine?

   what's the best gym to pretend I go to?

   My "We had to walk 5 miles uphill in the snow just to get to school" story will be about it taking 4 hours to download an mp3 with a 28k modem in 1995.

   Shhhh girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar."