Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like you.You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

   After playing Call Of Duty online, I'm convinced that I would not last 10 seconds in a real war.

   Woke up with a sore neck. It seems my memory foam has amnesia.

   Bacon strips for all meals of the day

   want a tissue for ya issue....

   What's with girls who write *crying* on their status? If you wre really crying you would not be able to type that you are crying, now shut the fu*k up before I give you something to really cry about.

   ive been wearing my boxer briefs backwards all day...btw guys,when using the restroom, dont use that easy access slot in the front the same way for the back side if you find yourself in the same situation..it doesnt end well!!

   Treat life like an ocean, your heart is the shore and friends are the waves. It never matters how many waves there are, what matters is which ones touch the shore.

   how much money should you give a homeless guy doing the Captain Morgan pose?

   shouldn't the DMV have a drive thru?

   just downloaded this new app called iColi... it's sick!

   If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

   If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

   Hey, to any friend that has has ever helped me out THANKS, I'm sure I've told you before but I have just been thinking about all that other have done for me and I really appreciate it !!!! THANK YOU !!!

   Ok, so they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country...why can't someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?

   Love is a thing for two...but there's always a slut who doesn't know how to count.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk, then I remember all those times I kicked my girlfriend's cat while she wasn't looking and I take back the wish.

   worships the King of Burgers. He let's you have it 'Yahweh'.

   That awkward moment where you are waiting for the light to turn green at a stop sign.

   There comes a point in every unicyclist's life when he sees a bicycle and says, "Jesus, they make them with 2 wheels now. I've been a fool."