Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking news: Lebron James is taking his talents to Vancouver. Found out they only have to play 3 periods in the NHL, not 4.

   For Sale: New Nunchucks. Will consider trading for a bag of ice and a new set of marbles.

   always reads the Terms of Service before clicking install just like everyone else... right?

   The News Feed sure does have a lot of sales on Spam Jordans and Nike shoes.

   Leonard B. Stern inventor of Mad Libs died yesterday of EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. He is survived by his lovely PLATYPUS, CLARABELLE and his 99 LAWN DARTS. He will truly be A DINOSAUR

   If you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone! Oh yeah? And if you don't have a Droid X, well, you don't have flash player and adobe! Now, How do you like them apples?!?!

   big story in the paper about a movie called Super 8. I must be getting old because I don't remember the first 7 movies of that series.

   People kept telling me all day I looked hot!... Then I realized it was probably coz I was sweating like a pig in this frickin' heat...

   M̸o̸n̸, T̸u̸e̸s̸, W̸e̸d̸, T̸h̸u̸r̸s̸, Friday !!!!

   im not a loser I'm just on the Z list of celebrities

   What's the difference between Saturn and LeBron James? They're both big and full of gas, but at least Saturn has rings.

   95% of all Fords sold in the last 20 years are still on the road today. The other 5% actually made it home.

   Just learned that you're supposed to Urinate on a Jellyfish Sting and NOT on a Jelly Roll Stain.......Sorry Sir.

   I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!

   One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

   You know the person on the other end of the phone is comfortable with you when you can hear the toilet flushing.....

   there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?

   Shouting "Not it!" should still make us exempt from doing anything that we don't feel like doing.

   I bet a turtle's last thought before getting run over is always, "I got this."

   you have permission to update my status to "is dead" when my time comes