Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one knows the true meaning of desperation until you run over a banana peel in Mario Kart

   My pillow is about to get some head......NAPTIME!!! ;)

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view.

   just rescued some wine.. it was trapped in a bottle. I saved the day!

   that awkward moment when two peodos both pretending to be kids arrange a meeting over facebook and then meet up

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   MAN! Are they EVER going to catch that Phil Dirt guy? I've been seeing wanted signs for him for YEARS.

   having a staring contest with a bottle of Jack.

   Anyone else love it when they text too fast that their phone can not keep up and when you are finished it looks like it is doing it by itself?! Or is it just me?

   A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

   I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

   I gave my deaf friend an I-Pod for X-mas hoping he would re-gift it back to me.

   I am currently putting together a workout video called "8 Year Abs"

   I bet you $20 I don't have a gambling problem.

   Loves getting brain so much I should be a zombie!!

   Couldn't afford the penile enlargement but got a great deal on hand reduction!

   If at first you don't succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)

   The only friends you need in your life are the ones that prove they need you in theirs. I guess it's just sometimes we expect more from our friends because we would be willing to do that much more for them.

   The problems with heroes is that most of them are buried too soon befor they have a chance to become old men.

   All you need is a good attitude...... and a little glitter!!! (~.~)