Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose

   Sometime I look at people and think, "I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and sh!t a better argument than that"

   86. Sometimes I like to order pizza from Domino's and when the delivery boy rings the bell I open the door in a Pizza Hut outfit.

   Been a week since I broke up with my girlfriend.. I need a new sandwich maker already or I'm going to starve to death.

   Your first mistake was leaving me. Your second mistake was thinking I would die without you.

   Does anybody have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?

   earth is full, go home.

   This just in, all the kids in Kindergarten Cop are Arnold's

   if it wasnt for the gutter, my mind would be homeless...

   Remember as we are planing for our tomorrows, our brave soilders are giving theirs today.. Have a safe an wonderful Memorial weekend everyone!!

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver

   MIDDLE AGE TEXTING CODES: ATD -at the doctor. BFF -best friend fell. BTW -bring the wheelchair. BYOT -bring your own teeth. FWIW -forgot where I was. GGPBL -gotta go, pacemaker battery low. GHA -got heartburn again. IMHO -is my hearing aid on?

   DNA Tests today confirmed danny devito is arnolds love child..

   You know that little voice in your head that tells you "No?" Yeeeah, mine died a long time ago.

   If drunkness was a professional sport, I would probably be disqualified for steroids.

   I can't stand it when people won't speak a little louder when I'm trying to eavesdrop on them. You people are selfish.

   What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?

   Everyone is a Freak, it just takes the right person to bring out that side of you.

   I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

   Men make mistakes the problem is god gave us a brain and A wienner but not enough blood supply to run both at the same time..!!!