Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so Oprah's last show was today... what are her minions going to do now that she is gone from tv? there are housewives in KY who need someone to tell them what books to read and what Scientology is doing to Tom Cruise.

   Life is like a roller coaster. You can either scream every time there is a bump or you can throw your hands up and enjoy the ride.

   wish all my electronics came with as much memory as a girlfriend or wife.

   8 year olds today have Facebooks, twitter, phones, ipods. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   The guy who predicted the end of the world moved the date to Oct/Nov. That's not the end of the world, it's just another Twilight film.

   That awkward moment when you're late for class, and when you walk in, everyone stares at you like you killed someone.

   About 50% of the time “good luck” means “effff you.”

   Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

   A thunderstorm is God's way of saying his electronics will always be better than yours

   Hey Oprah your shows over,,,go to the dam gym ,, and try and lose some weight already,,,!!!

   Dont ever tell someone you'll do something when pigs fly........cause cops ride in helicopters now.

   now that oprah is gone, Can we put daily football on?

   i need to find cinderella because I'm tired of running into her stuck-up cant take a joke high maintence sisters

   Kevin Durant, it is time to take your backpack and go home!

   Am I the only one who feels that if I had to describe urine's color and possible taste, that I should point to a yellow Vitamin Water?

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza, and then insist that he called me.

   That ackward moment when a beautiful woman is waving at you with enthusiasm, and, it turns out to someone behind you.

   Tired of the dying person who keeps emailing with his billion dollars. I hope he dies soon so he would quit sending the emails.

   There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.

   Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn't get weird.