Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If life gives you melons you may be dyslexic.

   ‎"I faked all my LOLs." -A Facebook romance comes to a dramatic end.

   Just found out that Oprah is leaving her show after 25 years. I didn't know that! How in the world could I have missed that? Oh ya, I don't give a crap...

   Soo, I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

   A woman is suing Chuck E Cheese because it leads to "compulsive gambling". That is like suing Walmart for "compulsive uglyness".

   That awkward moment at the club when the white girl dances better than the black girl...#shame

   why do people seem to care what beauty pagent contestants say? I can't see them winning a nobel prize

   TThere is a difference between being "passionate" about your religious and political beliefs and being down-right "hateful." The former acquires respect. (...the latter gets unfriended.)

   I'm looking for a 4 letter word that ends with "unt".......... ........ ........ don't be so crude, I was looking for "Aunt."

   If you're not using your grownup powers to occasionally do something your child-self would have found awesome, then what's the point?

   Wife is out of town until tomorrow night. Anyone wanna come sit on the other end of the sofa and ignore me?

   The 3 C's of life; Choice, Chance, Change. You must make the Choice to take the Chance if you want anything to Change.

   When you say your life is a joke I really feel sorry for you because it's not even a funny one.

   Life isn't about getting nude... Its about being nude.... Bring on National Nude Day

   The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.

   had a DNA paternity test done on my dogs new puppies....Turns out they all belong to Arnold Schwarzenegger. ツ

   A new drug has been developed for lesbians with depression. Its called trycoxagain

   Wherever I have a problem, I sing. And when I realize that my voice is worse than my problem, I smile. (:

   "HEY LAAAADIIIIEEEESSS!" - guy who gets no ladies.

   If all the world's a stage, then where's the hook to yank off the idiots?