Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder what would happen if a witness is asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and they say no?

   I don't leave voicemails because I know they aren't listened to. Yet, if someone calls me and doesn't leave one, my first thought is that it wasn't important enough for me to call them back.

   It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

   Stupid Question: When people see you lying down with your eyes closed they still ask: "Are you sleeping?" Smartass Answer - "No, I'm training to die!"

   Send a Hallmark Card to my EX: ""I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here

   When Facebook starts showing how many times you viewed somebody\'s profile, were all damn screwed.

   If Facebook ever shut down, you'd see people aimlessly walking round streets, scribbling on walls, poking each other, searching for their friends, thumbs-upping and commenting at everything they see and tagging one another.

   Ex-teammate says Lance Armstrong used PED's...I think I speak for everyone when I say "You didn't know till now?"

   Someone needs to tell Dominique Strauss-Kahn that in this country bankers are only allowed to screw their customers.

   I've got 99 problems and I'm not dealing with any of them (Lay-Z)

   Just told AT&T that I'd make a payment on my cell phone Sunday, so I'm really banking on this rapture sh*t..

   It's Been A Tough Few Years For The Ocean, we've had the oil spill, the Japan radiation, and now "Hey! Mind if we put Bin Laden there too?!"

   Notice in a Library: " While reading the kamasutra , please hold the book with both Hands."

   if I don't answer my phone .. it's probably cause I am dancing to the ring tone

   Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 whole years... Now, don't YOU think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself.?

   wonders, what would happen if a witness was sworn in, asked to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth and the answer came out from his mouth is no?

   The Rapture will begin this saturday let those who believe be killed by rocks and sticks the day after by thugs like me!

   Good morning : ) I was thinking...What if the Rapture happens and you're in the middle of a poo? You'll be floating up to heaven, pooing on everyone below you.......

   If anyone tells you they've lost their voice, they're lying.

   I've just spent the past hour chasing a daddy long legs around my house... then I realised I had a crack in my glasses.